Praying With Open Hands

(I am returning to a series I started last February. Note to self: don't start something you can't finish. Or, better yet, finish what you start! Thanks to those of you who have asked for the "rest of the story.")

My longing for David grew over the next few months. I thought of him often, dreaming of what reciprocal love would look like with him. Each letter, each conversation, each minute spent together was bitter sweet. I loved spending time with him, but felt tortured in my heart. I prayed for something to happen almost every day.

At some point, I realized that, true to my old self, a relationship had taken my focus from my True Love. I knew, even at 18, that I could never be happy with David if Christ did not hold my heart fully. That's when I opened my hands and prayed.

(from my prayer journal, July 5, 1996)
I know that You love me, even if I don't see it at the time. You know my big concern is David right now. I want so much to begin a relationship with him. Sometimes I feel we are right on the verge of it and other times I think that it is the farthest thing from his (and Your) mind. I know there is a reason for him to be in my life. If nothing else, he has helped me grow, he has encouraged me, been and active ingredient to who I am now. He has also been a prime example of what I want in a husband and what I want in a relationship. I thank You for that in my life. . . .

I can see how the past 1 1/2 years of being single have been super. I have learned so much about You and me and who I am through You. I feel like I am ready for what you have for me. But, I am very far from knowing what is best. I know, or think, that I love David. I love him more than I have loved anyone. I want to be with him forever. But "my thoughts are not your thoughts." So, instead of worrying, wondering, and waiting for it to happen on my level, I give my concern to You. You can handle it better than me! I have read how you changed Pharaoh's heart to read your will. If it is not your will for me to be with David, I need my heart changed. I need to . . . stop reading stuff into our conversations. It can not be done by me, so I will stop trying. I give you my heart and my words.

(then, July 6, 1996)
It is a comforting thought to know that You have an ultimate plan. It's going to be hard, I think, waiting to see. I trust You with it because I know You know. But, it's hard to let it go. I don't want to. I want to love him. My heart is broken without him. Please, again, take care of my heart. Make it change as you see fit.

I met David that night for a movie. I left my heart with God and got in the car with David.