Claire's Theology on Pulling Cards

Claire gets in trouble at school a lot. I mean a lot.

I am a rule follower. I was a teacher's pet all through school. Except Mr. Powell's 10th grade biology. We never hit it off. I'm not sure he hit it off with anyone.

I don't know what to do with a child who does not care to please her teacher through obedience. We are working through it, trying positive and negative reinforcement. She is currently working for a pizza Lunchable. She might be old enough to buy her own before she earns one. How can it be so hard for a child to be quiet for 4 consecutive days?! I think I could easily be quiet for that long, maybe longer.

Monday was bad--2 cards. Today, her teacher sent home a note reassuring me that Claire is not a bad child, she just likes to "talk and talk and talk." And she only pulled one card today.

That would have sent me into tears in Ms. Warren's kindergarten class. I still remember that one day I got in trouble in her class nearly 3 decades ago.

So we talked.

"Claire, why does Ms. Bailey have to say your name over and over and over to get you to stop talking?"

She replies with genuine sincerity, "Because Adam ate the fruit."

Claire and Ms. Bailey on P.J. day

Praying With Open Hands

(I am returning to a series I started last February. Note to self: don't start something you can't finish. Or, better yet, finish what you start! Thanks to those of you who have asked for the "rest of the story.")

My longing for David grew over the next few months. I thought of him often, dreaming of what reciprocal love would look like with him. Each letter, each conversation, each minute spent together was bitter sweet. I loved spending time with him, but felt tortured in my heart. I prayed for something to happen almost every day.

At some point, I realized that, true to my old self, a relationship had taken my focus from my True Love. I knew, even at 18, that I could never be happy with David if Christ did not hold my heart fully. That's when I opened my hands and prayed.

(from my prayer journal, July 5, 1996)
I know that You love me, even if I don't see it at the time. You know my big concern is David right now. I want so much to begin a relationship with him. Sometimes I feel we are right on the verge of it and other times I think that it is the farthest thing from his (and Your) mind. I know there is a reason for him to be in my life. If nothing else, he has helped me grow, he has encouraged me, been and active ingredient to who I am now. He has also been a prime example of what I want in a husband and what I want in a relationship. I thank You for that in my life. . . .

I can see how the past 1 1/2 years of being single have been super. I have learned so much about You and me and who I am through You. I feel like I am ready for what you have for me. But, I am very far from knowing what is best. I know, or think, that I love David. I love him more than I have loved anyone. I want to be with him forever. But "my thoughts are not your thoughts." So, instead of worrying, wondering, and waiting for it to happen on my level, I give my concern to You. You can handle it better than me! I have read how you changed Pharaoh's heart to read your will. If it is not your will for me to be with David, I need my heart changed. I need to . . . stop reading stuff into our conversations. It can not be done by me, so I will stop trying. I give you my heart and my words.

(then, July 6, 1996)
It is a comforting thought to know that You have an ultimate plan. It's going to be hard, I think, waiting to see. I trust You with it because I know You know. But, it's hard to let it go. I don't want to. I want to love him. My heart is broken without him. Please, again, take care of my heart. Make it change as you see fit.

I met David that night for a movie. I left my heart with God and got in the car with David.

Untying Fear Knots

I need to write this down. Make it real. A document to look back on when God's word is realized with a sleeping child in our home. A testimony that God's word, His timing, His purpose is personal.

Two weeks ago, I had 7 straight days of the words, "fear not." Sunday: the pastor's message. Monday: Crazy Love reading and Lifegroup discussion. Tuesday: in conversation with another believer, encouraging me to move from fear to faith. Wednesday: "fear" was the topic of our "Psychology of the Christian Life" study. Thursday: Beth Moore video. Friday: Respectable Sins reading (yes, I am reading 3 books at once). Saturday: Beth Moore homework. By the end of the week I was (ironically) a little afraid. I started thinking about all of the things God could be preparing me for with this "fear not" message.

Why do You want me to hear, "Fear not?"

For weeks, I have been turning over ministry in my mind. I know I am called to more than taking care of my family, going to church and work, this routine I am in. When scripture calls for me to give up everything for Christ, to die to myself and carry my cross, to care for the least of these, it is no joke. It is not a suggestion. It is a command. My life isn't a picture of sold out Christianity, of Crazy Love. I have been convicted by the safe life I have built.

Sunday, His personalized message became more specific. Through the movie The Blindside, I witnessed the power a loving family can have on one child. When David and I left that movie, we talked about what faith looks like, what living love looks like. I shared with him how the faces of Haitian orphans, new and old, are burned on my heart. When I think of helping Haiti, I think of bringing a child, void of parents, void of hope, into our home. I threw out the idea: what if loving God, living out our faith, loving the least of these means taking care of orphans. He didn't shoot the idea down as I might have expected (or secretly hoped because I am scared). He turned it over in his heart and mind, accepted that it is a very real possibility.

Adoption. A new idea to me. It sounds nice. But it scares me. I came up with one wh-question after another: where will we put them? who will help us pay? what kind of impact will it have on my kids? All the way to work Monday morning, God answered each one of those wh-questions with "FEAR NOT." The pounding from the week before took on new relevance. He prepared me for this call.

It gets even better! Monday night during Lifegroup, we drew numbers for our prayer partners. I learned the week before in the Esther study "The lot is cast into the lap, but it's every decision is from the Lord" (Pr 16:33). What a divinely inspired pair we became! As I shared my journey from fear to faith, a call to adopt, my partner shared she had felt the same calling only weeks earlier. God provided an opportunity to encourage and be encouraged. He also confirmed, once again, that this is real.

I visited the Show Hope website later that night. I read a scripture that became new and personal to me: "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20). I could almost sense God affirming His word to me. What He has laid out before me will happen. A mountain will move. I could not contain my tears. Tear of joy, fear, faith, promise, and hope. Hope for me and hope for a child (or children) who need to know God's love.

I have no firm vision of what comes next. I am reading, researching, sharing my thoughts with others. I have had additional bits of affirmation along the way. I love this conversation I get to have with my Lord! I want to keep my ears tuned to His voice. I don't want to miss a single minute of this journey to move a mountain and bring a child of God home with me!